Life of Guilt

"Raj... He spoke.... He spoke for the first time. Come fast... Your son called out 'Mummy'.." joyously shouted Rajshekar's wife from the bed room.

For Rajshekhar, a BPO professional, it was a life of struggle. From the time he had landed in Bangalore, barefooted, without a penny in his pocket, without a spare dress, he was fighting against odds. But he was a survivor. He had a happy marriage and his son was now almost a year old.

His son uttering first word 'mummy' did not make him ecstatic. It should have. He tried to feel elated. He failed. Instead he felt numb. He wanted to run to the bedroom taking his camcorder. Instead he was slowly slipping to a corner of the balcony. He remembered what had happened one fateful evening 25 years ago, when he was 8 years old.

It was a small village in Bidar. Though everybody could see him walking on the road, nobody could see him sobbing and weeping. The heavy rain had dripped him wet. He continued to walk, mindlessly, without knowing where he was going. Just one thought was in his mind: "Why did my mother stop loving me?"

He had been recently shifted to a convent school from his old Kannada medium school. Like usual he had rushed back from his school, with his arms wide open to hug his widow mother, shouting.... "ammmaaaaa", Kannada word for mother. Her hug that day was cold.

"Raja.... From today you will call me Mummy and not Amma.."

"No Amma..why .... I don want to..."

"Raja, from now you will call me Mummy. All your friends call their mothers' so. "

"No Amma.. Please.... I will do anything else you ask."

His mother had remained silent.

"No Amma.. I can't"

"Go.. Your mother will not love you."

His mother had not replied to his sobs. He had not realized that it was raining for long time after he had walked out of his house. Some stranger shouted out "Hey boy, get under a roof. Else you will catch fever". He had not answered.

Rajshekhar could not remember what had made him get onto the bus. He was tired, had caught cold, fell asleep. When he got up, he was in a city, which he found out to be Bangalore, much later.

When Rajshekhar came back to present, his wife was beside him, with the baby. He could neither hear what she asked, nor hear what he answered. His past was haunting him now. It had always haunted him. Was the reason for leaving his mother serious enough? In the hindsight it had always looked trifle. He could never justify himself. He knew his mother would have been breathing grief every breath. Somedays when he was alone, the world would shout deep in his ears that he was the cruel most son ever born on earth. But he had never muttered enough resolve to go back to see his mother. He thought he did not deserve to see his mother again. He thought he deserved a life of guilt.

But today he felt as though someone had squeezed his lungs from within. He decided to go to his village and meet his mother. If she forgave him, he would see to it that she is happy for rest of her life.

The next day Rajshekhar located his old house after great trouble. It was dilapidated and seemed forsaken for years. He feared if his mother was dead. He enquired the neighbor who told: "oh the woman, whose son had fled her? She was never happy with her middle class status. She got married to a filthy rich old man within a year of her son leaving. See .... we never came to know why her son left or where he went. That woman never seemed to care, you know, because she was only his stepmother. She shifted to a new place with her new husband, who I heard passed away long time back and she is living a luxurious life. By the way who are you?"

A cold wave of resentment engulfed Rajshekhar, as he headed back, and then began a life long search.

Renounce the thoughts of Fruits

Once upon a time lived a very ambitious young man. 'One day I shall rule the world' he had owed. He was brought up by his poor widow mother who had always told him stories during his childhood. One story always remained in his mind. The story of how their kingdom was rescued by a powerful Yogi, from the verge of defeat in a war, using his yogic power. So the young man decided to practice yoga to aquire special powers using which he could conquer the world. He travelled to a distant forest where he meditated, worshipped and practiced Yoga rigorously. He ceased to eat, tenuously controlled mind and material desires, did not even look at women and reduced breathing to bare minimum. As his 'tapasya' or penance became more severe over the years, so did his thirst for power.

Meanwhile in the country it was third consecutive year without rain. All the stock of food and grains were empty. The land looked dry and sky held no promise. The legend had it that, if the King made paada pooja to a sacred Yogi, in an auspicious place at an auspicious hour, it would rain immediately and end the drought. Paada pooja ritual involved washing legs with sacred water. The King heard about this young sannyasin and requested him to see the country out of drought. The young man was mightily pleased and accepted the invite.

Thousands of villagers had gathered in the place where miracle was set to happen. In an auspicious timing the King made paada pooja to the young man and let the water flow. People anxiously waited for rain. But there was no trace of Varuna, the rain God. Everyone was dejected because their last hope was shattered. Just when King was about to leave, he slipped and fell at a woman's feet knocking down her bindige, a traditional water container, full of water, she had carried from distant place for her household chores. There was a miracle and it was raining in no time. The villagers and King fell at women's feet and declared her a true Yogi. The young sannyasin felt insulted and was wondering how the women could have more power than him. Just then the women answered to him 'Boy I do not know your yoga or your practices. I am a common everyday woman. I was carrying water to nurse my ill husband. All my life I have struggled to do my duty. Before marriage I did my duty to my parents and after marriage I do my duty to my husband. I do not expect anything in return. That is all Yoga is for me." He was surprised that women could read his mind too.

He wandered in the country not able to fathom how an ordinary woman could have more power than him inspite if his austere yoga. Finally a wise man explained him what had gone wrong. He said "look my boy, the woman gained power because she did her duties very faithfully without expecting any return, and thus was a true yogi. Though your chosen path was also correct, you were more intent on results. No one can gain power without renouncing the thoughts of fruits. Even a fool can rule the world, if he waits and works restraining the idea of ruling the world. Ma karma-phala-hetur bhur buddhau saranam anviccha krpanah. Let not fruit of action be your motive. Pitiful are they whose motive is fruit."

As Dark as My Heart: Story of a Date

"One day she will be a big sexy bomb macha". 

As I rode my bike, these words of Arun, my schoolmate, mixed with evening breeze of BTM layout and kissed my face. I thought why did I always choose to monitor class 6th when I was in 10th? Would that mean she will be 3 years younger to me? How were I and Arun so sure that she would be sexy when she matured? The initial contours had said it all. Didn't it?

"Man.. what is making you this desperate this time? This won't be your first relationship"

"Far from the first" said the speedometer of my bike which seemed stuck at 12 Km/h. "I want to enjoy the  Saturday evening weather, so I am riding slowly" I told myself but I knew it was not true. It was not I riding the bike, but it was the bike mercilessly dragging me towards Jaynagar though I wanted to take Koramanagala's route.

I had a faint hope that she would relent to meet. On the very last night she had denied saying 'it is too soon'.

Like pale orange pre mansoon sun rays were being sucked by my black ray ban glass, Anusha's thoughts again sucked me into fathomless oblivion.

"Unknown people used to send me friend requests on Orkut. So I did not join Facebook" I could never explain that delightful jealousy her SMS reply had ignited in me. I had asked her 'Why linked-in and not Facebook'. Did that inexplicable jealousy meant I was falling in love? "ganta" I had replied to my roommate. "Who wants to marry a babe man. I want a simple homely girl". 

"drrrrr" "drrrr" vibrated my mobile in approval. She finally agreed to meet me at Jaynagar 4th Block CCD.
 
My heart started pounding intensely. Never had it worked so fast. Never. It had only been 4 days since I had accepted her linked in request. Her profile had not carried her picture but had mentioned our school name. Only after I had immediately sent a message "you were my junior right?" had I realized that it would have been difficult for me to recollect all my teachers names.

The place around 4th block CCD was spiritual. 3 huge trees had successfully fought the sun and rendered such a serenity to the place that I only grew more tensed. I had reached the place early.

Only in my work place it could have happened. Using up all 200 free messages in a day was tough, not because I had work in office, but because I had a qwerty keyboard mobile then. But the hope on the other side had promised to be voluptuous enough to take the pain. But it was only after two days of google chatting and texting I had got her upload her picture on gtalk profile. The picture, though too small to be discernible, had said that two days of hard work was worth it.

"Who is the other girl with you in the picture?" I was pondering why she had to put picture of her with a rather unkempt, grotesque girl.

"That's my besssteeest, cuteeee friend :)"

In the next two days messages had became more intimate, intimate to the level of skin. Was she falling in love? "She better not be. Love is like a paste" and I slipped when a sweet voice called out "hey white T shirt and black ray ban!"

I turned back and met with a shock.

That night as I lay on my bed trying desperately to recollect what had happened, I remembered the meeting, or should I say the date, had lasted full 30 minutes, thanks to te waitress who seemed to avenge me by taking ad infinitum to serve two coffees. I was trying my best to be my usual even when I knew it was her fault to put her picture with that "cuteee" friend of hers. But her face, her body and everything had repeatedly needled me that I hadn't noticed that this Anusha had matriculated a year later than the Anusha who had clogged my mind, my brain and moreover my work.

As I was trying to hard to fall asleep, a sweet voice repeatedly kept whispering to my ears "I did not know one had to look like Aishwarya Rai to be someone's friend". It was dark all around, as Dark as my Heart.

The only rule that works in life

If I have learnt something from my experiences over the years, from books I read, from people I met and spoke to, it is this.

Only rule that works in life: there is no single rule that always works. There is no right or wrong. There is no correct way and wrong way. There is so single mantra for success.

Have your own principles. Follow your own heart. Beat your own path.

Two Inspirational Stories that ‘ruined’ my life

There is so much buzz around the word passion these days. ‘Do what you love; love what you do.’ Today I want to write about my affair with the word passion.

My goals and ambitions were always crystal clear. Firstly I wanted to become an Engineer and I became one. Then I wanted to become an MBA. Everything was going fine for me to become an MBA. But today I stand at the center of vicious circles of dilemma knowing not, what to do in my life. How did all this happen? It was 2 years ago when I read those two autobiographies which changed direction of my life forever.

The first is the life of Captain Gopinath, the person who revolutionized low fare fight travel in India through Air Deccan. After his role in liberation of Bangladesh, Gopinath gets posted to Kanchenjunga. He undergoes an emotional-spiritual crisis and no longer wishes to continue in army. His father advices him to continue his job quoting Gita: Niyatam kuru karma twam karma jyayo hyakarmanaha. ”Do thou thy allotted task; for action is superior to inaction”.  I was then in a similar situation. I started to relate myself to Gopinath and started to question purpose of my life. Why did I want to become an MBA? I soon realized it was because of others’ opinions and that I had never sought my own voice. My career plan which once seemed like crystal clear water, now looked like unsettled muck. They were most torturous days of my life. I felt sad for having born the most unfortunate on earth because my heart was not speaking to me when I was searching for my life’s calling. The only consolation was an African proverb which said: “only way out of desert is through it”.

Days later, the biggest lesson of my life dawned upon me: Everyone may not be born fortunate to know his passion. In fact most people do not question at all. But a few, who question, will have to bear the torture of discovering their passion themselves, how Gopinath had done. Let us go back to the story. In such despair Captain roams in interior parts of India and USA hoping to discover something. He finally quits army questioning himself why he should live to impress others. Back in his village, after prolonged soul-searching, a dream of becoming a farmer starts to get shaped in him. His failure in initial years of farming, indebtedness, later innovation and success in farming and sericulture, success in motor business, humiliating defeat in assembly election, rise and fall of Air Deccan makes his story a must read. But read it at your own risk.

Coming back, I decided to explore myself too. I got into teaching. Gopinath says God helps them who help themselves. I explored opportunities in many sectors, ideating and researching. I was not able to zero in on one idea for one or other reason. Then I learnt an important lesson from life of Sir Richard Branson: Just Do It. Live life to the full. To quote him, “I am prepared to try anything once”.  I want to tell just one story from his life, which is filled with risky businesses, deadly adventures and surmounting loans. 

One day Branson gets call from Per Lindstrand asking him if he would join Per in trip across Atlantic in the world’s largest hot-air balloon flying at 30,000 feet. Whoever had tried that stunt before had died. By then Branson’s net worth was already a billion pound. Per explains his plans in detail. Branson finally says “I’ll never understand the theory. I will join you if you answer me this question. Do you have any children?” “Yes, I’ve got two”. Branson says “That’s enough for me. I will take the challenge”. That attitude stuck in mind. We Indians think and plan so much. But when it comes to execution, we back out. I decided to just do one thing. The story continues with that balloon trip where Branson comes so close to death that he writes his last letter to his daughter and wife. But he survives because he does not give up. 

My next one year went working tirelessly, round the clock in building a business from an idea. There were moments when I had to beg someone, for over a month for an appointment, got blasted from tax officials for no mistake, shoed away by watch men, roamed in unthinkable places, lost argument with senior managers. But market did not accept my idea. I learnt the difference between what is maverick and what is marketable, the hard way.   

Now I am back to square-1 where I had begun. What do I do in my life? I remember lines Branson had written to his parents when he had decided to drop out from college. “I see a danger of falling between two stools. Of being failure in everything and having to search for priorities again.” Though it did not come true in Branson’s life, it came true in mine.

Am I sounding like I am going to give up? Definitely no. I remember the lines read from these books. It is not the destination but it is the journey that is the real reward. Do not let sorrow and self-pity bring down your energy. I know that I have been ruined for good. I will soon be onto something new. Finally I would like to rename title of this article to “Two Inspirational Stories that changed my life for good.”  I would like to leave you with lines by Rudyard Kipling: “If you can lose and start again at your beginnings; If you can treat triumph and disasters just the same; yours’ will be the earth my son.”

The hyperbole

Why so much importance to 'extinction of tiger' alone? Why not crows? I think they, along with many other species like sparrows, are also on the verge of extinction.

Over million years on this earth, thousands of species have gone extinct. 'Survival of the fittest' is the name of the game. If earth can survive some more million years, even humans may go extinct. If so, why so much fuss about extinction of tiger alone. Save tigers and 1399.5 of them left and so on?

We are making a drama out of this without looking inwards the overall behavioral changes needed. All this hyperbole of 'save tiger' is being enacted by shameless publicity mongers trying to advertise themselves to become celebrities. Let us not give attention to just one species(We anyway have many pictures of them already). So many have become extinct so far and many others will. Let us stop acting 'humane' towards tigers because we need to learn to be humane towards fellow humans first.

Happiness and misunderstood Pursuit of Happiness

I was startled to know that many dictionaries define pursuit as to “chase with hostility”.  Do we pursue happiness with hostility? I was amused by this. This led me to do a small research on happiness and pursuit of happiness. No credit has to be given to me for this article. I only aggregated the relevant data so that readers would be benefitted by the content.

The Father of psychology Sigmund Freud said “Pursuit of happiness is a doomed quest. The intention that man should be happy was not included in the plan of creation.”  J

Come on it can’t be like that. We all want happiness. We do not want to be like some French intellectuals who think that happiness is not at all interesting. J It seems they raised a controversy over an essay on happiness written by Matthie Ricard, a Buddhist Monk, sometimes called ‘happiest man in the world”. They asked him not to impose dirty work of happiness. They said, “We don’t care about being happy. We like ups and downs of life. We like suffering because it’s so good when it ceases for a while” J

I hope none of us think that way. I am sure none of us here wakes up in the morning thinking, “I want to suffer the whole day”. Consciously or not, whatever we do somehow is related to a deep, profound desire for well-being or happiness. Every man wants to be happy, but in order to be so he needs first to understand what happiness is.

If you look at literature, you will find different definitions of happiness. Some people say happiness is right now; it’s the quality of the freshness of present moment. Some say happiness is state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment. And all this led someone to say that scholars intentionally left the definition of happiness vague so that each individual could interpret it in his own way. It could be right and we all define happiness the way we find happiness.

Initially the psychologists thought happiness and unhappiness were end points of a single continuum. That made Freud say that, as one becomes less miserable, one gets happier. Only recent developments of science of happiness in the west deduce that Happiness and unhappiness are not the end points of a single continuum. When you get less miserable, you get less miserable. And that happiness is a whole other end of equation.

Our Indian spiritual definition of happiness always accommodated this fact. Just consider one definition: ‘happiness is deep sense of serenity and fulfillment, a state actually pervades and underlies all emotional states and all the joys and sorrows that come one’s way.’

Is it surprising? Can we have this kind of well-being feeling even in the midst of misery? If we give deep thought to his definition of happiness, we will realize that it is not about finding happiness but it is about feeling happiness. And that we can feel happiness in any state of mind if we change the ways we ‘pursue happiness’. 

The issue at the heart of misconception about ‘pursuit of happiness’ is that, we often focus on the pursuit of happiness as if happiness is something that we have to go out and get, an object we are supposed to get. We think that if we could gather this and that we will be happy. We say ‘everything to be happy – to have everything to be happy’. That very sentence already reveals the doom of destruction of happiness. If we miss something, it collapses. And also, when things go wrong we try to fix the outside so much, but our control of the outer world is limited, temporary, and often illusory.

We can think of our pursuit of happiness to be following 'if-then model'. If I can get 40 % hike, I will be happy.  If my Boss gets heart attack, I will be happy. The ‘If’ we were focusing 10 years ago might have got fulfilled. But now we will have another set of ‘If’s for us to postpone feeling happiness.

If you call happiness equation as Happiness = (wanting what you have) divided by (having what you want) most of us here spend more of our time in the bottom half of this equation.

So what could be the right way to pursue happiness? I must admit that I do not have authority to prescribe how exactly one should go about finding happiness. I am just putting forward what I think could possibly be the right way. May be some of us would have experienced deep happiness when we relaxed beside a wonderful, serene lake. Had we thought if the color of water was bluish, we would never have experienced the same happiness. So key to happiness lies in discarding our ‘if-then’ model and accepting and enjoying the present. I am not advocating that one must not dream and have ambitions. All I am saying is that one need not postpone happiness waiting for their fulfillment.

Rabbi Hyman Schachtel in his book “The real enjoyment of Living” suggested that Happiness is not about having what you want. Instead it is about wanting what you have. I shall not speak more on this line for two reasons. 1. I have already given clue as to what could be more appropriate way. 2.  May be it is better left vague so that people find their own way to find happiness, equipped with right basics. I will leave you all with a story I came across in this pursuit of mine, which made a deep impression on me.

It is said when Dalai Lama was once in Portugal and got amused by all the big construction of buildings that was going everywhere. One evening he said “Look, you are doing all these things, but isn’t it nice, also, to build something within? “. And he said, “unless that you even if you get high-tech flat on the 100^th floor of a super-modern and comfortable building, if you are deeply unhappy within, all you are going to look for is a window from which you can jump out.”